Dates are funny things

In March 2012, we discovered that we were pregnant. After we got over the initial shock, we were ecstatic. The next two months were some of the best days of my life. I had horrible heartburn and some nausea, but I was happy.
It wasn't my first pregnancy, but I was naive. My nurse practitioner, at my 8 week appt said, "I have to tell you about miscarriage, but you are young and healthy." And despite an early miscarriage years earlier, she felt I was safe. The next week at about 9 weeks, I had a horrible sinus infection. I went back to the NP, but she brushed me off. There were no meds to take. I just had to suffer through. But something felt off and I begged her to try and check a heartbeat but she refused.

The sinus infection cleared and we continued to make big plans for our growing family.
Then one morning I went to the washroom and had a smear of blood.
I tried not to panic and my husband convinced me to give it a day. Two days later I went to emergency at the hospital I worked in. The Dr told me there could be a number of reasons I was bleeding and miscarriage was only one of them. He wanted an ultrasound done, but wasn't sure if they could fit me in that day.
They did and I went in, the tech was amazing. We talked about work and life. She kept the monitor turned away.
Then she explained that I had to go back to emerg for the results.
So I did. Nervous but optimistic. I was 12 weeks 4 days. So close to the second trimester I could taste it. Safety, freedom.
The Dr, who happened to be the chief of staff, walked in, said, "well of all the things it could be that we discussed, it is a miscarriage. You have three options, d&c, chemical or let it happen naturally. Which option do you want to go with?" And stared at me expectantly, ignoring my tears and the heartbreak that had to be obvious on my face.

I said, there must be a mistake, something you can do. He finally noticed my tears, and looked in vain for some Kleenex. There wasn't any in the room so he handed me a chunk of gauze to dry my tears.

He said no and wanted an answer. I told him I needed to speak with my husband. He told me to let him know right away and walked away. He didn't say I am sorry. He did not offer me any info. He just dropped the bottom from beneath me and walked away.

I followed up with my family health team the next day, this Dr wanted me back in my local hospital emerg the next day for observation.
I was still only spotting, no heavy bleeding.
That night around midnight I got up to use the washroom and it felt like a bomb went off. I don't know how long I was in there bleeding for , before my husband got home from work. He cleaned up the washroom, and me. The pain, both physical and emotional was so hard.
The next day. I was still bleeding and in a lot of pain.
I had a bed in emerg for awhile, but they got busy so kicked me out to the waiting room for a few hours.
At one point I locked myself in the washroom. I am fairly certain that is when I passed everything. It can only assume what I had was labour, and contractions. It was awful, I think I passed out for awhile, and do remember thinking, oh god, they are going to find me passed out in my own blood on the floor if they can ever get the door opened.

They ended up sending me to a larger hospital after that for an ultrasound, concerned that I would require a d&c.
Hours later, I was deemed clear to go home, almost everything had passed.

That was four years ago today. Yesterday? Two days ago? I don't even know, because I don't know what date is the date. The date I can mourn. Is it the day I found out? The day I started bleeding
heavily, or, as my  husband says, weeks before, as they had determined that the baby had stopped developing around 9 weeks likely.

I am still sad about this loss. It still hurts how it all happened and the lack of compassionate care that I received.

My story...the short version

The short story: I have had 10ish miscarriages/pregnancy losses and one rainbow baby.

The long story: well I will give the right space for my stories, so be patient.  

I have had one standard, run of the mill miscarriage, one missed miscarriage and two ectopics. And a handful or more early miscarriages. They span over years. Towards the beginning (only two losses in) is my beautiful rainbow.

Those are my confirmed pregnancies. The ones I talk about. But I know, thanks to hindsight that they weren't my only ones. I know there have been at least four others.

I didn't know that I could be so passionate about a subject. But I am passionate about miscarriage and pregnancy loss. If I could go back to school tomorrow and be a nurse/social worker/counsellor, I would. Don't doubt for a second that it isn't on my mind everyday. But right this second it isn't an option. So I will turn my energies to here.

My experiences with loss are heartbreaking and tragic. They are fraught with bad medical experiences, and see my lowest lows. But I am here today, writing this. Two years ago, after my first ectopic, I was a mess. It was months before I asked for help. Months again before I received it. And now, now I am me again.

Not the me that I was a  two years ago, or ten years ago. Those versions of me are all in the past. But I am here. I am standing on my feet. 

All my experiences have made me who I am.

I will never say I regret my losses. They have made me who I am. And if I can help just one woman get through her loss, I will be satisfied. Normalizing the discussion of loss. Bringing awareness.  That's my goal.

Welcome

If you are reading this, you or someone you love has likely had a pregnancy loss.
I am so sorry for your loss.
I have been, maybe not in your exact shoes, but have stood in a similar place. I have felt the world fall out from underneath those shoes. Heard the words that the Dr or nurse are saying slow down, and almost sound like a foreign language.

The purpose behind this page is to share my experiences, my hopes and my dreams.
See I want to see a world where pregnancy loss is talked about openly, where parents are given the chance to grieve.
Where support is automatically offered. Where medical professionals don't treat miscarriage as common,but as the life altering event that it is.

I hope to share what I have found on the Internet to be comforting, helpful, or at least made me think.

This is a safe place to share and grieve. Please respect where everyone is coming from and give them the space they need to heal.