The Waiting Game

This is something I wrote a while ago. It is still relevant though. Take out the months and numbers and it could be me almost every other month.




If I didn't know better I would think I was coming down with a cold or flu. I am tired. I can feel every square inch of my chest. I have no appetite and feel nauseous promptly after eating.

At this point I don't require a home pregnancy test or a blood sample to tell me what I already know. I am pregnant.

But instead of looking at the future. Of Laying my hopes and dreams on the line, I live in fear and sadness.

Don't doubt for a second that this baby isn't wanted because, oh it sure is. Wanted, Loved. Needed.

I live in fear and sadness because this will be my seventh confirmed pregnancy. But I only have one living child.

There were losses before I had him (countless ones unconfirmed but now I realize what they were). There have been losses since. The last one was just last month, well technically this month. I have short cycles.

So while my inner dialogue is a never ending mantra of, grow baby grow and we love you. Grow baby grow, we love you.

Grow baby grow. We love you.

Outwardly we are cautious. We can't even attempt cautiously optimistic anymore. Not when the bottom could drop out any day now and that magic number of how many times we have been pregnant grows ever higher.

During the two week wait when anything could happen, I give up everything. I don't exercise nearly as hard,  if at all. I definitely don't run. I don't drink. I practice yoga. I think positive thoughts. I look after myself every way I can.

Grow baby grow. We love you.

But it's always a coin toss. Are we or aren't we. Will we get a blood test done early enough to confirm it or will we just miss out. Because if we do the number goes up. If we don't than its all in our heads. 

All I want is a decently healthy baby. I don't care about sex or gender or whether it looks like me or J. I just want to be able to spread my love and make our family feel complete. 

I mean it will never be fully complete because there have been so many lost possibilities. So many.

But I don't want my losses to get the best of me. I want to come out on top. I want to say when I am done having children. I don't want to give up in a state of loss and despair. In fear.

Grow baby grow. We love you.

I miss the days where every pregnancy brought home a healthy baby. I miss making plans and the hopes and dreams that happen when the pee stick dries.

I can't even make myself pin down a due date. I know it would be late March or early April. But only because I checked last month when they confirmed my pregnancy. 

I just can't now. Not yet. It hurts too much to know. Some of the other Edds that weren't, are burned in my brain. They will be in my memory to my dying day.

There is the other mantra that gets repeated during this process, no blood no blood no blood. Every time I go to the washroom.

No blood. No blood. No blood.

Exhales

Blood.

There is blood.

Miscarriage. Again.

Again. What am I doing wrong. What did I do wrong. I just want to have one more baby. Just one. I loved every minute of my last full pregnancy. Every minute. I did not complain. I just want that back.

I clean myself up and strengthen myself to leave that bathroom. To hope that I can get through the next couple of days, if not at the very least, the next couple of minutes without seeing a pregnant woman.

And the cycle begins again.

My story...the short version

The short story: I have had 10ish miscarriages/pregnancy losses and one rainbow baby.

The long story: well I will give the right space for my stories, so be patient.  

I have had one standard, run of the mill miscarriage, one missed miscarriage and two ectopics. And a handful or more early miscarriages. They span over years. Towards the beginning (only two losses in) is my beautiful rainbow.

Those are my confirmed pregnancies. The ones I talk about. But I know, thanks to hindsight that they weren't my only ones. I know there have been at least four others.

I didn't know that I could be so passionate about a subject. But I am passionate about miscarriage and pregnancy loss. If I could go back to school tomorrow and be a nurse/social worker/counsellor, I would. Don't doubt for a second that it isn't on my mind everyday. But right this second it isn't an option. So I will turn my energies to here.

My experiences with loss are heartbreaking and tragic. They are fraught with bad medical experiences, and see my lowest lows. But I am here today, writing this. Two years ago, after my first ectopic, I was a mess. It was months before I asked for help. Months again before I received it. And now, now I am me again.

Not the me that I was a  two years ago, or ten years ago. Those versions of me are all in the past. But I am here. I am standing on my feet. 

All my experiences have made me who I am.

I will never say I regret my losses. They have made me who I am. And if I can help just one woman get through her loss, I will be satisfied. Normalizing the discussion of loss. Bringing awareness.  That's my goal.

Welcome

If you are reading this, you or someone you love has likely had a pregnancy loss.
I am so sorry for your loss.
I have been, maybe not in your exact shoes, but have stood in a similar place. I have felt the world fall out from underneath those shoes. Heard the words that the Dr or nurse are saying slow down, and almost sound like a foreign language.

The purpose behind this page is to share my experiences, my hopes and my dreams.
See I want to see a world where pregnancy loss is talked about openly, where parents are given the chance to grieve.
Where support is automatically offered. Where medical professionals don't treat miscarriage as common,but as the life altering event that it is.

I hope to share what I have found on the Internet to be comforting, helpful, or at least made me think.

This is a safe place to share and grieve. Please respect where everyone is coming from and give them the space they need to heal.