In March 2012, we discovered that we were pregnant. After we got over the initial shock, we were ecstatic. The next two months were some of the best days of my life. I had horrible heartburn and some nausea, but I was happy.
It wasn't my first pregnancy, but I was naive. My nurse practitioner, at my 8 week appt said, "I have to tell you about miscarriage, but you are young and healthy." And despite an early miscarriage years earlier, she felt I was safe. The next week at about 9 weeks, I had a horrible sinus infection. I went back to the NP, but she brushed me off. There were no meds to take. I just had to suffer through. But something felt off and I begged her to try and check a heartbeat but she refused.
The sinus infection cleared and we continued to make big plans for our growing family.
Then one morning I went to the washroom and had a smear of blood.
I tried not to panic and my husband convinced me to give it a day. Two days later I went to emergency at the hospital I worked in. The Dr told me there could be a number of reasons I was bleeding and miscarriage was only one of them. He wanted an ultrasound done, but wasn't sure if they could fit me in that day.
They did and I went in, the tech was amazing. We talked about work and life. She kept the monitor turned away.
Then she explained that I had to go back to emerg for the results.
So I did. Nervous but optimistic. I was 12 weeks 4 days. So close to the second trimester I could taste it. Safety, freedom.
The Dr, who happened to be the chief of staff, walked in, said, "well of all the things it could be that we discussed, it is a miscarriage. You have three options, d&c, chemical or let it happen naturally. Which option do you want to go with?" And stared at me expectantly, ignoring my tears and the heartbreak that had to be obvious on my face.
I said, there must be a mistake, something you can do. He finally noticed my tears, and looked in vain for some Kleenex. There wasn't any in the room so he handed me a chunk of gauze to dry my tears.
He said no and wanted an answer. I told him I needed to speak with my husband. He told me to let him know right away and walked away. He didn't say I am sorry. He did not offer me any info. He just dropped the bottom from beneath me and walked away.
I followed up with my family health team the next day, this Dr wanted me back in my local hospital emerg the next day for observation.
I was still only spotting, no heavy bleeding.
That night around midnight I got up to use the washroom and it felt like a bomb went off. I don't know how long I was in there bleeding for , before my husband got home from work. He cleaned up the washroom, and me. The pain, both physical and emotional was so hard.
The next day. I was still bleeding and in a lot of pain.
I had a bed in emerg for awhile, but they got busy so kicked me out to the waiting room for a few hours.
At one point I locked myself in the washroom. I am fairly certain that is when I passed everything. It can only assume what I had was labour, and contractions. It was awful, I think I passed out for awhile, and do remember thinking, oh god, they are going to find me passed out in my own blood on the floor if they can ever get the door opened.
They ended up sending me to a larger hospital after that for an ultrasound, concerned that I would require a d&c.
Hours later, I was deemed clear to go home, almost everything had passed.
That was four years ago today. Yesterday? Two days ago? I don't even know, because I don't know what date is the date. The date I can mourn. Is it the day I found out? The day I started bleeding
heavily, or, as my husband says, weeks before, as they had determined that the baby had stopped developing around 9 weeks likely.
I am still sad about this loss. It still hurts how it all happened and the lack of compassionate care that I received.
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